So it’s only been about 3 years since the last time I wrote a blog here on Fortynista.
Well, I fell into a deep depression that lasted a few years. It happens.
Parts of 2017 and most of 2018 remain as dark times in my memory. Now I know not all of it was bad as there are pictures to prove that I did have some good times but overall it was tough.
I went through a long period where I hated my life – everything about it. Did not want to write publicly as anything that came from me was from a vortex of negativity. I did keep a journal though and in due course I will probably share tidbits from that.
The thing with depression though I realize is that a lot of people do not like talking about it when we are going through it. We are still trying to pretend everything is okay. Be strong. Keep moving forward. Think positive.
I thought if I just keep moving forward I will push past it. But that is not what happened. My search for happiness was not leading me where I wanted to go.
I ended up sinking further down the rabbit hole. It got to a point at the end of 2018 I was fed up with my life. I hated the way I felt. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I gained weight. I hated living in Switzerland (which was a major catalyst for the depression in the first place).
I thought I had been working my way through the depression for that year but I wasn’t making progress. This blog definitely took a back seat. The funny thing when I started this blog I was at a great point in my life. I thought Life Only Gets Better as you head into your 40s. I used it as a tagline. Now in hindsight, seems so naive.
I stopped doing most the things I love. I stopped coaching – even though from various places I was told that if I did things “in Service” (helping others) that I would feel better. Now I do know that to be true, however, I was just not in the right headspace to coach clients. I was not happy at all.
Not being happy and just feeling negative is what came back to me. Even a trip to the shop could easily turn into a dramatic event. When all you see is negativity that is exactly what comes back to you. That is Law of Attraction 101.
It was taking its toll on me, my health and my relationships in my family. It had to change.
I started implementing habits that I knew would help – daily meditation, practicing affirmations and visioning. My experience as a health coach helped me cope up until that point, along with help from fellow coaches that inspired or motivated me.
I decided in December 2018 – enough was enough. Instead of feeling crap, I started asking myself “What do I want to be experiencing instead?” I would conjure up exactly how I wanted to feel (happy) and just let myself feel that for a few moments each day. Some days the good feelings would last longer that the last.
From there everything changed, I started thinking more positively and I lived happily ever after.
Don’t we wish it could be that easy? I decided that I wanted to find peace and happiness within so that it shouldn’t matter where I was living. I spent all of 2019 on that goal of finding happiness and peace within. Whilst the move to Switzerland may have been the catalyst for my depression, it only highlighted unresolved deep seeded issues longing to be addressed. This would have happened anywhere.
This lead me on an incredible journey of growth and self discovery that I wasn’t expecting. It definitely wasn’t easy and there were a lot of dark places I had to go to release old stories that were keeping me down.
I never expected it to take so long to feel better but I am at a point in my life where I feel strong. I feel happy. I know myself much deeper than I have before but the learning continues.
This little site, Fortynista, I’ve always had high hopes for. I think that is why I never let it go. I just wouldn’t. I took a break but now I am back motivated more than ever.
My goal is to focus on lifestyle and health issues for women in their 40’s. I want to share what I have learned over the past few years and what I am continually learning. I hope to bring in new contributors to keep the content fresh and varied. It’s gonna take a little while as I dust the cobwebs off. You will be witnessing a transformation on this site that has laid dormant for so long. Thank you for following along on this journey.